A Woman’s Guide to Survival in The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead is a television show that depicts a fictional universe in which Rick Santorum wins the Presidency. While the “walkers” may be scary, there is nothing more frightening than a woman who doesn’t know the duties of which she is most inclined. Taking pointers from the hit television series, here’s how you as a woman can survive and thrive in a world post-apocalypse or the Lifetime Channel.

1. Always be doing the laundry. Whether or not you think laundry has been done, it turns out that it probably hasn’t. While there may be bodies rotting out in open fields, this is no excuse for you to let a pile of blood-soaked underwear go unwashed.

Fun Fact: Most children aren’t technically human until the age of 11. Carl, Rick and Lori’s son, is considered a tame zombie in The Walking Dead lore.

2. Never pick up a gun. Only bad things can happen when women are given the right to shoot. Like shooting Daryl the redneck upside the head or firing wildly into the air in celebration of your menstruation, it takes just one bullet to ruin someone’s day.

3. Always support the man you seem to have a crush on or are married to, even if he is wrong. You aren’t there to second guess him — after all, whatever a man with a six shooter and a cowboy hat says, goes. The next time your husband, boyfriend or Asian does anything, assume that he is right against all contrary evidence.

Fun Fact: Dale, the elderly man who stumbled upon the group of survivors one day while out yelling at clouds, is made of pickled wool.

4. Always be doing the laundry. How often could have a bad situation been avoided if Lori, Andrea or Dale were doing the laundry instead of attempting to do something other than the laundry? Car accident? I’ve never heard of a woman getting into a car accident while doing the laundry.

5. 100% of the time, suicide is the answer all of the time. It’s a world in which television is no longer a comforting addiction, where the only way to ‘have it’ at Mcdonald’s is no way, where there are no more bridges over Madison County. So whoever is feeling down might as well kill themselves. It’s your duty as a woman to suggest this.

Fun Fact: The brother of Daryl Dixon, Merle, hasn’t been seen since a blood-loss induced hallucination in the first half of the season. Merle could have returned as an actual character sooner in the series had he not been neglecting his womanly duties, like doing the laundry.

Tune in this Sunday to AMC’s The Walking Dead in which Glenn uses a Starcraft 2 reference to get one of the weird farm daughters to take her top off. Also, Dale says something and no one listens. While you’re here, why not visit the front page where mystery abounds.