Today’s post, in lieu of horoscopes, is an advice column written by my dear Aunt Maudlyn. She was kind enough to allow the reproduction of her syndicated column here on ATP in exchange for a link to her own personal blog and half a pound of ham-flavored turkey. Please do check out Aunt Maudlyn’s Good Advice, of which half lives up to the name.
Somewhere Near Newbury Park (Watch Out!)
There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the regulations for dogs on leashes at Newbury Park. Some of the local residents will allow their pets to run wild, sniffing other animals and urinating on trees, while the well-behaved tenants will keep their pets on the leash. Continue reading →
The first day of Summer. The initial BBQ, the first slip n’ slide catastrophe. Waiting for that personal injury lawsuit? No matter, it’s Summer, forget all of your worries and shame. Better take these horoscopes as a reminder of the passing hour, though. Soon it’ll be the Summer of 2013 and we’ll laugh and laugh.
Heart, Earth, Fire — something else. One more ingredient, and you have a Captain. Two more ingredients and you have a Captain Planet. Notice how the cartoon never mentioned which planet, only a planet. Could have been Mars, could have been Neptune. Good catch. Why should you care if that planet gets destroyed by pollution when our own is being ravaged by hurricanes and mafioso? Priorities, Capricorn. Ignore Captain Planet for this one time and pick up some trash in your own neighborhood. You may be more attractive to the opposite sex by doing so. Continue reading →
June gloom has arrived, ATP’s favorite time of the year. No sun to drive us into the open, no beach revelers because it’s too cold and gray. The entire beach is open for exploration. Too bad the ocean is filthy, otherwise it might be worth checking out. As it is, I’ve never been to the ocean despite living less than a mile away. I can hear it, but I refuse to answer its call. We have a bathtub for a reason. Enjoy today’s horror story, a true account of what it means to suffer from an unreasonable phobia.
I’m frightened of balloons. Most people would expect that in a room full of despondent people with nothing better to do than to list off their greatest fears, the girl afraid of balloons would be somewhere out in the hallway looking cathartic and unfed, but as it is, I am afraid of balloons and am otherwise a reasonable person. Continue reading →
Did you hear about that guy who ate another person’s face right off? He ate it right off, eyeballs and everything. I imagine he ate the eyeballs, but I’m not sure. I’d rather not do the research to figure out if that’s true or not. If I were to write a horoscope for the zombie’s victim, it would read: “take nothing at face value this week, (whatever his sign was).” Poor guy, should have stopped by ATP before heading out to be dined upon. Well, look out for your face. Here’s your horoscope.
Wearing purple is a bold fashion statement, Capricorn. If you’re Prince, you might just pull it off, but if you’re a middle-aged woman sitting alone in a coffee shop talking loudly on your cell phone, you’ll only raise the ire of those around you by simultaneously resembling the Grimace and being a total coont. Royalty used to wear purple as a sign of their privilege, I say let them have it, even if they are all dead.
It’s that time of year again. Spring. No one is a big fan. Transitional periods aren’t well received, kind of how you went through that goth phase before discovering you are a hipster. Everyone likes you slightly more now. Here’s your horoscope for today. Take it to heart, or don’t. Stop doing nothing with it at least.
Some times, wigs go bad. It’s just in their nature. Wearing a wig is difficult without having to worry about whether or not its morals are intact. Next time pick a wig from a reputable source rather than from a Police Auction. The head you shave may be your own. Continue reading →
I see great turmoil in the future for you, reader. Someone somewhere will ask you or tell you something and it will call into question your ability to make a decision based on whatever it is they have to say. Do you have any connection with a relative whose first name begins with an M? N? O? P? What about Q? They’re reaching out to you right now for guidance, it’s time to stop ignoring your family or co-worker. Read your horoscope today and see what you can do to improve yourself before next week when it all gets real. In the mean time, click the “like” button on the right for a chance to win a personalized email from Darth Small and don’t forget to visit the home page. Continue reading →