It’s come and gone, the Electronic Entertainment Expo. It’s over. If you were looking for more from the show floor, you’re out of luck. No worries. We have ATP’s Best Of list. Your own intrepid reporter stalked the halls, sat through numerous presentations and handled himself very well, despite the humidity in a convention center packed full of moist Video Game industry folk.
BEST OF E3 2013
The Witcher 3 / CD PROJEKT RED
An epic, sprawling masterpiece role-playing extravaganza thirty five times larger in scale than The Witcher 2. The Witcher 3’s demo showed several side quests that were as in depth as one would expect a main story arc without sacrificing quality of the surrounding world. While the battle system is a work in progress, the game shows absolute promise.
Hola, mi amigos. Como esta? I am practicing my Spanish. I grew up near to the border, so I have a head start on that as it is. This isn’t about me, though. Today we have a story comprised of want, needs and desires. You could call it the story of man, but you shouldn’t. It’s called A New Lease on Life.
Jimmy Hendrix ripped in to Voodoo Child just as the bells began to ring, signaling the end of a period and the beginning of a Summer. Though he’d grown up on Hendrix, Zeppelin, Zappa, ELO, The Doors, he grew tired of the repetition — every classic rock station played the same forty tracks, and if it weren’t for his busted iPod that seemed to only play Hendrix, Zeppelin, Zappa, ELO or The Doors, he’d have moved on to something more shoegazey by now.
Apologies for the extended absence, something got in the way. Namely a few British people who think the USA is still a colony and have been treating it as such. No matter, I’ve banned tea and replaced their yorkshire puddings with fireworks and Jack Daniels. It’s the American way. Enjoy your horoscopes and try not to tread on me.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abscesses make the heart grow larger. Only one is supposed to be good for your budding relationships, while the other might end them prematurely. I’d suggest taking a break from the hamburgers, Capricorn, just to be safe. If you’re single, all of this time alone is only making your heart grow. It’s also suggested that you not spend so much time alone, then. A great philosopher once said: being average is okay. Aim for average in this regard. Continue reading →
Today’s post, in lieu of horoscopes, is an advice column written by my dear Aunt Maudlyn. She was kind enough to allow the reproduction of her syndicated column here on ATP in exchange for a link to her own personal blog and half a pound of ham-flavored turkey. Please do check out Aunt Maudlyn’s Good Advice, of which half lives up to the name.
Somewhere Near Newbury Park (Watch Out!)
There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding the regulations for dogs on leashes at Newbury Park. Some of the local residents will allow their pets to run wild, sniffing other animals and urinating on trees, while the well-behaved tenants will keep their pets on the leash. Continue reading →
The year is already half over, can you believe it? I can’t. Just seven months ago, the year had just begun. Time does move quickly when you’re having fun, or when you’re bored and feel like you’re wasting your life away. Those are the two instances in which time moves quickly. Enjoy your horoscope and try to fall somewhere in between those two.
What more can you say? She’s gone. It’s time to move on. Capricorn, dwelling on a long lost lover is like kissing your sister — everyone wants to do it but you. Knock off the dwelling and consider all of the lonely people out there with no one to dwell on and perhaps you’ll feel the guilt of gluttony, the cruel judgment of god or the general apathy associated with being an atheist. There are plenty of fish and the sea, which is big enough for you to find a fish in. Continue reading →
Summer is officially here, but that doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it. Why not wait indoors for the sun to pass. It’ll go away eventually. Here’s your horoscope for this week.
Saw a shirt today that said “Don’t call me Bro if I don’t know you” or something similar, it probably rhymed. Anywho, it seemed weird to me. Why can’t I call you bro? Who calls anyone bro anymore? Might as well say “wassup” at the same time. Get in touch with your feminine side and stop calling folks bro. Bring back the word ‘folks’ in a non-racial way and you’ll be the talk of the town, wherever the hell that is. Continue reading →
The first day of Summer. The initial BBQ, the first slip n’ slide catastrophe. Waiting for that personal injury lawsuit? No matter, it’s Summer, forget all of your worries and shame. Better take these horoscopes as a reminder of the passing hour, though. Soon it’ll be the Summer of 2013 and we’ll laugh and laugh.
Heart, Earth, Fire — something else. One more ingredient, and you have a Captain. Two more ingredients and you have a Captain Planet. Notice how the cartoon never mentioned which planet, only a planet. Could have been Mars, could have been Neptune. Good catch. Why should you care if that planet gets destroyed by pollution when our own is being ravaged by hurricanes and mafioso? Priorities, Capricorn. Ignore Captain Planet for this one time and pick up some trash in your own neighborhood. You may be more attractive to the opposite sex by doing so. Continue reading →