I’m having a hard time concentrating lately and I blame the children who live downstairs. Always with the whining, the crying or the screaming. But it’ll be okay. My horoscope tells me that it will. Does yours? Maybe not, but probably so. This is a positive space. Welcome to your horoscope for today — let’s get busy before the children wake up.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” wrote Charles Dickens in his pivotal A Tale of Two Cities. One hundred and fifty years later, Garfield would star in a movie named after a pun on the title — A Tale of Two Kitties. Some times it’s hard to feel like what you’re doing in the now will have any effect on how people live, work and play in the future, but if Garfield can do it, so can you. What is it you’re trying to accomplish this week, Capricorn? Does it seem pointless? Do it anyway, consequences be damned.
Sometimes late at night, I wake up thinking that someone is in the room with me, which is silly since I live alone in a basement with no windows, but dreams are funny things. Manipulators of reality, I call them. Hey you, manipulator of reality — what are you doing making me think I’m not so utterly, utterly alone? Aquarius, are you alone also? Want to come over for a bit, maybe watching some Downton Abbey and cry? Stop it — we don’t need your pity.
A strong showing at a rodeo will secure for you a spot in the nationals. Don’t pass up the opportunity to speak to Billy, the veteran rodeo clown who took a horn to the leg last week. He may wear make up, he may like to prance about, he may take horns every now and then — but the man’s been around. This isn’t his first rodeo, though it may have been yours.
Be the best of who you are, not the best of what someone else considers the best to be what someone was doing. Did that make sense? I fell down the stairs.
Some time in the fifties, a man thought it would be necessary to invent a machine that would slice bread for you — in the comfort of your own home. He called his invention the Slicer 5000 and sold it briefly to housewives and “bachelors” until one Slicer 5000 malfunctioned and took off the hand of a confirmed “bachelor” while his boyfriend watched from the couch. “It’s easy as sliced bread,” they often say, but do you know what isn’t as easy? Losing a hand to an automated bread slicer. Often times the simpler side of life poses the biggest threat — get rid of it in exchange for some complications this week, Taurus, the hand you save may be your own.
Often times love can seem fickle, but in reality love is just picky. Would you want a partner to come along, be absolutely disgusting and weird, but be a perfect match for you? Rather than date some hapless stranger, love strikes when you least expect it — with your best friend, your dentist, or your house pet. Listen to your heart, briefly. Listen to your mind, never. Listen to the strange, archaic power of love always and do as you’re told.
Ever try to stop and smell the roses? Notice how roses have thorns? They are there for a reason — to keep people like you from sniffing them. First invented by Baptists in 1920, thorns were a deterrent to keep the devil from sneaking in through open windows, making love to unsuspecting women and then sneaking away with all of the eggs, chicken or otherwise. Now thorns are used to keep pedophiles from sniffing things. Now that you know this, use it to your advantage — have you maybe noticed your friend sniffing flowers lately? His secret is yours.
Sitting in traffic is the pits. Sinking into a pit full of tar is the pits. Are you sinking in your love life, Leo? Has your SO let you down recently? Try tossing him or her into a pit of some sort why not.
An unrelenting force is soon to make contact with you. Are you on a farm? I would get into the barn. The sky is going to open up and take you with it, wherever that may be. But maybe, as the philosopher Smashmouth once said, “my world’s on fire / and so is yours / but that’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored.” The chaos may just be what the doctor ordered.
Good looking men and women are a dime a dozen. Who needs them? Time to settle, Libra. Find an average person and really go to town with him or her. Take them out shopping, hold their hand, complement their hairs. When the day is over, invite yourself in, take advantage of that person and really give him or her the what for. In the end, you’ve made love to something and that can probably maybe almost never is a positive.
Piano music can be soothing, relaxing and/or frustrating. With so many keys, how can one determine which to press, and at what time? Lucky for you, the piano can be mastered if you remember this simple rhyme: “When you’re playing piano on time, the mood is fine. When you’re out of sync, have a drink.” This should help you master the piano if you repeat it enough and also study.
Recent NBA sensation Jerry Lin has come out as Asian, a bold move in a sport dominated by black people and some white people here and there. Coming out of the closet as anything — Asian, homosexual, bitter or delicious is a challenging task. What will your mother think? Take a lesson from Jerry Lin — he changed his name to Jerome and has had all kinds of success. Change your name from that white bread cracker ass name to something with more soul. Maybe Donovan, Lando or Nosferatu will kick-start your life as an NBA superstar.