ATP Horoscopes – Nov. 16 – 22, 2014


Being back. What a concept. It means nothing, actually. For all I know, this could be a one and done for another six months kind of deal. I’m hoping not, though. The world needs its horoscopes and frankly I’m the only one who can provide them. At least, the only one not being manipulated the NWO. Hey, here’s looking at you, Champ Bailey.


There’s an old saying here in California. I know it’s in Texas, I think it’s here, too. Fool me once — shame on… shame on you. Fooled won’t be fooled again. Honestly, the meaning doesn’t matter. When President George Dubya said it, his meaning was twofold: stop fooling people and hey, look at that, I’m President. Sometimes we fall into ourselves, other times we fall into our success. Try not to worry about being coherent when next you’re trying to make a point. Words are just words, actions louder than President Bush war in Iraq.


Have you noticed that the water is warmer off the coast? Scientists agree that this is thanks in part to global climate change. Sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees, but the positives outweigh the negatives when the planet warms up. Better swimming weather, more fish creeping up to your boat gasping for air (thus easier to catch). You may receive some bad news this week, Aquarius, but don’t fret too loudly or annoyingly. The joke’s on the scientists who predicted you’d crash and burn, but in the words of Al Pacino, you’re “just getting warmer!”


“What’s trending?” you ask, entering into a non-binding agreement with Paul regarding the height of a proposed hedge that would sit on your shared property line. “Kim Kardashian, we landed on a comet and also net neutrality.” You’re trying to consider the importance of those three topics, weighing each on their own merits, but all you can think of is that hedge. Paul is a known scouser, being from Liverpool, and is not to be trusted. Who’s building the hedge in your relationship, Pisces? If it’s Paul, just know that he’s going to fuck you on the details.


The Rolling Stones have been playing for at least 70 years, touring the world to sold out crowds of folk who “just can’t get enough,” which is a song by Depeche Mode. The Stones could take a lesson from the Mode: never, ever get enough. This is an important lesson for anyone looking to tour the world. Some will say that you’re too old, feeble or senile to get up on stage and “shake it off” (Taylor Swift). These two bands could take a lesson from Taylor Swift: if it’s not working, change it up, play a completely new style of music and pretend its what you’ve been doing all along. Time to be a “Karma Chameleon”, Aries. That’s a song by the Culture Club.



We’re unlikely to go flying off the face of the earth, thanks in part to what scientists call gravity. This is an unseen force that glues us to the surface like magnets, though most of us are not made of metal. Are you made of metal? A good way to determine your make up is by finding a magnet and seeing if it sticks to your chest, arms or genitals. Sometimes the only thing holding us back is gravity. Defeat it and you, too, could travel the galaxy.


The last time I was in Cincinnati, a bum pulled a knife on me outside of a convenience store. I would have been the victim of a jacking if it weren’t for my reflexes. Just as the man lunged for my soft belly, I sidestepped him and struck him about the head and shoulders with a flurry of chops and open-handed slaps that left him dumbfounded. He dropped the knife and ran away, probably to cower in a field somewhere. Let this be a lesson to you, Gemini: don’t pull a knife on me. I’ll gladly teach you a lesson, as I did that bum in Cincinnati


Having been the victim of unfortunate circumstances, Nikolai Tesla faded into obscurity after death only to become a hero to electricity nerds world-wide in recent decades. As it turns out, this father of the alternating current, hydroelectric power, wireless communication, Bing, Leo Tolstoy and the NFL also invented the notion that even if you, too, are a genius and probably socially inept, you can die hopeless and penniless only to be remembered 100 years later by nerds everywhere. You’ve got that going for you, Cancer.



Last month, when the nation went out to vote collectively against their better interest, you were busy planning a vacation to Tahoe. As a successful hedge fund manager, your interest in politics is little, but you do turn your head every once in a while if something catches your eye. For instance, last week’s news that the small town of Truth or Consequences, Arizona, would be changing their name to Truth AND Consequences made you stifle a laughter. After all, who would want to go there now? Don’t make brash decisions when naming your child.


Long distance runners have a lot of issues that many people can’t or refuse to understand. Sore feet, bleeding nipples and chafed thighs are just surface injuries; their souls carry a heavy burden. Long distance runners run not for the sake of running, but because deep down they believe that they can outrun their past. The sad truth is that the past holds every running record known to man. Virgo, you’re never going to outrun the past. Like a lion hellbent on catching a gazelle, you’re bound to trip up and become nutrients for your deeds. It’s time to turn around and grab the past by the horns. You still aren’t even sure if he’s dead or alive, there’s no reason to dwell on it.



At a dive bar on Saturday night, a good friend of mine danced profanely to the sounds of a cover band as they played Pink Floyd, The Doors and Gordon Lightfoot. The room was packed, but he was the only one dancing. They say to dance as if no one is watching, but in reality, everyone is watching. Perhaps its time to put away the dancing shoes and take a seat near the wall; just because you’re having fun doesn’t mean everyone else has to see that.


You’re not the end all, be all of Christmas decorations. Though you were born to a half man, half glitter-based life form, your every brilliant hair just isn’t going to ring in the Christmas season every year. Some times people want to be left to their own devices, allowed to choose how to celebrate the holiday without being told to be “cheerful” or to “lighten up.” Step back and let the kid decorate his own tree without getting involved. Being too cheerful, Sagittarius, can be a real bummer sometimes.

See you when I see you.

ATP Horoscopes, September 22nd – 28th


Today is the first day of Fall. Were you aware? Though coffee shops and bakeries have set out orange and brown pastries, Halloween gifts and Mr. Bojangles the scare-clown weeks ago, today is the first official day of Fall, despite what the marketing team behind the pumpkin latte says. Time to open up the first window on your 93 day Advent Calendar. Oh, I got a Dreidel.


A friend of mine once told me that you shouldn’t regret much at all, if anything. He says that regrets are the mind’s way of telling you that you’ve made a mistake and therefore act as a weakening agent for the soul. I regret that he told me this. All I can think about now are my regrets. What do you regret, Capricorn? Do you regret letting Tim walk home that night? Maybe he’d still be here to answer for what he did if you had given him a ride, but you were going in the opposite direction. Try not to dwell on this haunting memory, Capricorn. Instead, have a pumpkin latte and ring in the Fall season. It’s going to be a good week.

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ATP Horoscopes for August 8th – 14th


Apologies for the extended absence, something got in the way. Namely a few British people who think the USA is still a colony and have been treating it as such. No matter, I’ve banned tea and replaced their yorkshire puddings with fireworks and Jack Daniels. It’s the American way. Enjoy your horoscopes and try not to tread on me.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Abscesses make the heart grow larger. Only one is supposed to be good for your budding relationships, while the other might end them prematurely. I’d suggest taking a break from the hamburgers, Capricorn, just to be safe. If you’re single, all of this time alone is only making your heart grow. It’s also suggested that you not spend so much time alone, then. A great philosopher once said: being average is okay. Aim for average in this regard.  Continue reading

ATP Horoscopes for July 11th – 17th


The year is already half over, can you believe it? I can’t. Just seven months ago, the year had just begun. Time does move quickly when you’re having fun, or when you’re bored and feel like you’re wasting your life away. Those are the two instances in which time moves quickly. Enjoy your horoscope and try to fall somewhere in between those two.


What more can you say? She’s gone. It’s time to move on. Capricorn, dwelling on a long lost lover is like kissing your sister — everyone wants to do it but you. Knock off the dwelling and consider all of the lonely people out there with no one to dwell on and perhaps you’ll feel the guilt of gluttony, the cruel judgment of god or the general apathy associated with being an atheist. There are plenty of fish and the sea, which is big enough for you to find a fish in.  Continue reading

ATP Horoscopes for July 4th – July 10th


Today is Independence Day for a lot of people. Get out there and celebrate with fireworks. When I was a child, my father took me out to the country to small trailers filled with a cigarette smoking junkie and his lineup of small to large explosives. We bought the largest we could find, thanked him and hoped he didn’t follow us home. Later we would fortify our home with our purchases and hope the junkie didn’t try to get through the windows. It’s a terrifying holiday, better start it off right with your horoscope.


Many scholars debate the validity of the Mayan calendar, but you know the truth. Hours upon hours of watching videos via Youtube on the historical fact that is the end of the world has proven to you that the year 2012 will be our last. Capricorn, are you prepared for the end? Youtube can show you how to turn your home into a fortified bunker that can survive the apocalypse. It can also show you how to make a brownie in a mug using just your microwave. Youtube.  Continue reading

ATP Horoscopes for June 27th – July 3rd


Summer is officially here, but that doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it. Why not wait indoors for the sun to pass. It’ll go away eventually. Here’s your horoscope for this week.


Saw a shirt today that said “Don’t call me Bro if I don’t know you” or something similar, it probably rhymed. Anywho, it seemed weird to me. Why can’t I call you bro? Who calls anyone bro anymore? Might as well say “wassup” at the same time. Get in touch with your feminine side and stop calling folks bro. Bring back the word ‘folks’ in a non-racial way and you’ll be the talk of the town, wherever the hell that is.  Continue reading

ATP Horoscopes for June 20th – 26th


The first day of Summer. The initial BBQ, the first slip n’ slide catastrophe. Waiting for that personal injury lawsuit? No matter, it’s Summer, forget all of your worries and shame. Better take these horoscopes as a reminder of the passing hour, though. Soon it’ll be the Summer of 2013 and we’ll laugh and laugh.


Heart, Earth, Fire — something else. One more ingredient, and you have a Captain. Two more ingredients and you have a Captain Planet. Notice how the cartoon never mentioned which planet, only a planet. Could have been Mars, could have been Neptune. Good catch. Why should you care if that planet gets destroyed by pollution when our own is being ravaged by hurricanes and mafioso? Priorities, Capricorn. Ignore Captain Planet for this one time and pick up some trash in your own neighborhood. You may be more attractive to the opposite sex by doing so. 
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