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Welcome back, fellow travelers. It’s been a long while. Well, not that long. Thank you for being patient. We’ve returned with a vengeance, not because we’ve seen The Avengers four times, but because somehow we feel as though we’ve been wronged. Nothing happened, but it’s nice to be angry some times. Here’s your horoscopes for this week, you come back naw, y’ear?

Capricorn

Video games can be a lot of fun, if played in small doses. Spending too much time in front of a computer or television warps the mind. Scientific study has proven that a young person who plays video games for longer than twenty minutes a day is subjective to homicidal tendencies. Unfortunately for scientists, their bodies are soft and squishy from years of disuse, only their brains are imperceptible to violence. Gamers everywhere: do you know a scientist? Aim for the brain. 

Aquarius

There was a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, standing around, awaiting extinction. Are we doomed to the same fate? It seems so. When’s the last time a government official talked at length on meteor defense? The only group still discussing blowing up asteroids are the scientists, and we all know how squishy their brains are. It’s time to spend money on asteroid defense. Aquarius, you’re in a unique position working for DARPA. Stop reminiscing of that time you were on Lost and get to protecting us from outer space. The Earth you save could be your own.

Pisces

This is the only life you’re given, Pisces. The Afterlife doesn’t count since it’s after this one and it has a different name. Also, it’s mostly gated. There are some people there that believe they can cordon off some of the population — those people are assholes. You can’t own land, man.

Aries

Spain is the world’s largest producer of olive oil. Did you think it was Italy? You would, that is, you should think it is Italy. The Italian government, still upset over World War 2, has spent billions of dollars flooding the olive oil market with propaganda. Now whenever an American makes pasta, he or she thinks of Italy rather than Spain, the birthplace of pasta, olive oil and Greece. Aries, are you not getting your due? It’s time to invade Poland.

Upset over World War II, this angry Italian demonstrates the number of fingers he has.

Taurus

Many people believe that the Earth orbits the Sun, which is entirely true. However, did you know that the Sun is orbitting another celestial body? That’s right, the Sun orbits a large black hole at the center of our galaxy. One day, billions of years from now when the Sun has burned out and everything in our Solar System is dead, it’ll be sucked into the hole and eaten like so many Poptarts on a Sunday morning. Relax, Taurus. You’re not going to be around when this happens. You may be around when the Sun explodes, however, so I guess you can keep worrying about that.

Gemini

“I’d rather not!” you say in response to an offer to vacation in Hawaii. The trip had already been paid for, and two weeks prior you agreed to go, but just now you’ve changed your mind. Your would-be host is livid, but pay no attention to him. He only wanted you there to have sex. It’s time to really show your strength by making him pay for a vacation and then turning it down after the refund date expires. When he returns from his solo voyage, have sex with him and explain to him why you didn’t want to have sex in Hawaii. He’ll understand.

Cancer

It’s been a long month. May is typically a terrible month to begin with, but this one has just been rough. Cancer, are you expecting a move in the near future? Going North would only add further to your troubles, but going South is the way to a man’s heart. Perhaps you should go South more often.

Leo

Requesting a raise is a difficult, nerve racking task. In theory, you deserve a merit increase for hard work and dedication, but if theories worked we’d all have evolved by now several times over. Put your weird theory to work by demanding a raise at gun point. If your supervisor says no or threatens to phone the police, show him or her that the gun is a fake and that you only did it to show your dedication to the job. They’ll surely reward you for this.

Virgo

Spending time writing is a fun task, but it’s easy to overlook the minor details. Perhaps you spelled a person’s name wrong; maybe you insinuated that someone is a homosexual when they really aren’t. Television journalism must be harder, because whatever you say becomes reality due to American stupidity. Try not to make any dumb mistakes this week, Virgo. Make a checklist of things not to do while writing or reporting. Save face by saving face.

Libra

Strange days are ahead. The moon, if you haven’t noticed, has been rotating in the wrong direction. This is a result of the prop crew from the first Superman film not resetting time after the film’s conclusion. No matter, it’s been at least thirty years now and no one has made a fuss about it, until today. You’ve noticed, Libra. It’s time to stop that moon. Take a gun and shoot wildly into the air. Surely a bullet or two will scream into orbit, possibly stopping the moon from being a douche.

Scorpio

One way to escape the drudgery of daily life is to go on a cruise through Europe. The fresh ocean air, the strange foreign coasts, the dysentery; all of these will add up to make your excursion a pleasurable, if not memorable experience. Bring your friend a present from those foreign shores lest you unleash the dragon.

Sagittarius

Beer has grown out of control. Where there used to be only Silver Bullets and Bud Lights, now we have Maple Bacon Donut flavored ales and “sessionable” this. Who needs it? Sagittarius, get out there and write an angry letter to your Congressman. I can’t tell you what to say, but you should say this: THE LIBERALS ARE MAKING BEER TOO COMPLICATED. Sign your real name and ship it off. You’ll be happy you did when MGD becomes the official beer of partying again.

Beastie Boys – Ch-Check it Out (Letterman)