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This past week saw a lot of negative energy in the universe. Whitney Houston met an untimely (yet rather timely) end; a bus full of orphans shrank and became lodged somewhere, somehow. That last one didn’t happen, but in our universe the possibilities are endless, though highly unlikely. What if Whitney Houston turned out to be in a bus full of tiny orphans instead of dead? Anything is possible. Here is your horoscope, take it to heart. While you’re at it, like our Facebook page for a chance to win another Horoscope in a week’s time.

Capricorn

Good tidings this Christmas and a happy New Year. This is a phrase from around Christmas time, and much like it, your sense of humor is outdated. Who uses ‘wooden nickels’ anymore? Why did you accuse a kid of giving you one? Perk up a bit, have a cup of coffee and figure out the lingo from your own decade, now scram before I cauliflower your ear.

Aquarius

Wronging a right doesn’t take two wrongs, and you shouldn’t try to make a wrong with two rights, either. Stick to the middle — one right for every wrong, one wrong for every right, and you’ll be fine. Remember: the nail that sticks out gets the hammer. Be average in every way this week and you’ll not be punched maybe.

Pisces

Various scholars have concluded that the fact of global warming is real. Who are these scientists? Why do we never see them? Pisces, your keen understanding of science you’ve heard about on the news and through distant relatives puts you in a brilliant position to disprove science. Shake your fist at someone wearing white — it could be a scientist and it may make them rethink their godless profession.

Aries

Chinese food is different all over the world. For instance, in California orange chicken is supreme, but in China orange chicken is served to dogs in exchange for protection. Did you know that in South Korea, Chinese food is banned for being too eclectic? It’s true. Wherever you are, venture outdoors and have some Chinese food for the people in South Korea who can’t. This kung pao chicken is for you, Kim Jo Sun.

Taurus

The Venus Fly Trap captures its prey by clinching tight a ‘trap’ flower, called so because of its bright coloring that attracts insects. Another monster that attracts insects just to eat them is your friend’s girlfriend, who has been keeping you away from him since last Summer when they started dating. Attempt to feed her to a Venus Fly Trap tomorrow. If she’s small enough, the plant may eat for a week.

Gemini

With the November elections ramping up, why would anyone turn on a television? The house is bugged, the phones are tapped, the winner has already been decided — and it ain’t you. They say voting is patriotic, but who are they? Have you seen them? Perhaps voting with your fingers is more patriotic — give your local politician the bird instead of a vote. Good on you, citizen.

Cancer

Feeling lost? Feeling found? Cancer, you’re two ways from Sunday. Instead of looking or not looking for yourself, you should be finding yourself within you. You’re on a foreign shore within your mind but not literally, never literally. So literally be on a foreign shore this week. Won’t that be a surprise? To wake up screaming on some weird beach.

Leo

A strong team can win any race. A strong-arm can pull any cart. A strong tongue can be a hazard if sharp. Watch your wit, Leo. Your friend just bought a hat that’s too small and thinks California Pale Ales are better than Belgian Golden Ales? Relax your tongue muscle and let him think what he thinks — he’ll be dead soon anyway.

Virgo

Los Angeles is a vibrant, if not flamboyant city. You’re often called flamboyant, but in reality you just have a little sass. Rock it girlfriend. Don’t deny your sass.

Libra

Most horror movies are rather predictable these days. Boogerman takes girl, girl gets pregnant, Boogerman and girl raise monster child that goes on to disappoint them in every way. Say, that sounds like a good idea for a horror rom/com. If I see this movie in a year I’m going to come for you, Libra, and I’ll take everything you have.

Scorpio

The stars are really bright for you this week, Scorpio. Have you stopped to look at them? They’ll know if you haven’t. Maybe they cut their hair, did their make up differently, threaded their eyebrows. Have you noticed? You’re an absentee boyfriend and you’re not going anywhere, maybe you and the stars need a little break (they’re cheating on you).

Sagittarius

In this economy, finding a job is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow — if the pot of gold was a 9-6 cubicle assignment with an hour commute in either direction. Maybe you’re better off unemployed, collecting dust on your couch, watching Maury slap a ho or two. Take a week off from the job hunt, the television you watch may be your own.

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