ATP Horoscopes – Nov. 16 – 22, 2014


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Being back. What a concept. It means nothing, actually. For all I know, this could be a one and done for another six months kind of deal. I’m hoping not, though. The world needs its horoscopes and frankly I’m the only one who can provide them. At least, the only one not being manipulated the NWO. Hey, here’s looking at you, Champ Bailey.


There’s an old saying here in California. I know it’s in Texas, I think it’s here, too. Fool me once — shame on… shame on you. Fooled won’t be fooled again. Honestly, the meaning doesn’t matter. When President George Dubya said it, his meaning was twofold: stop fooling people and hey, look at that, I’m President. Sometimes we fall into ourselves, other times we fall into our success. Try not to worry about being coherent when next you’re trying to make a point. Words are just words, actions louder than President Bush war in Iraq.


Have you noticed that the water is warmer off the coast? Scientists agree that this is thanks in part to global climate change. Sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees, but the positives outweigh the negatives when the planet warms up. Better swimming weather, more fish creeping up to your boat gasping for air (thus easier to catch). You may receive some bad news this week, Aquarius, but don’t fret too loudly or annoyingly. The joke’s on the scientists who predicted you’d crash and burn, but in the words of Al Pacino, you’re “just getting warmer!”


“What’s trending?” you ask, entering into a non-binding agreement with Paul regarding the height of a proposed hedge that would sit on your shared property line. “Kim Kardashian, we landed on a comet and also net neutrality.” You’re trying to consider the importance of those three topics, weighing each on their own merits, but all you can think of is that hedge. Paul is a known scouser, being from Liverpool, and is not to be trusted. Who’s building the hedge in your relationship, Pisces? If it’s Paul, just know that he’s going to fuck you on the details.


The Rolling Stones have been playing for at least 70 years, touring the world to sold out crowds of folk who “just can’t get enough,” which is a song by Depeche Mode. The Stones could take a lesson from the Mode: never, ever get enough. This is an important lesson for anyone looking to tour the world. Some will say that you’re too old, feeble or senile to get up on stage and “shake it off” (Taylor Swift). These two bands could take a lesson from Taylor Swift: if it’s not working, change it up, play a completely new style of music and pretend its what you’ve been doing all along. Time to be a “Karma Chameleon”, Aries. That’s a song by the Culture Club.



We’re unlikely to go flying off the face of the earth, thanks in part to what scientists call gravity. This is an unseen force that glues us to the surface like magnets, though most of us are not made of metal. Are you made of metal? A good way to determine your make up is by finding a magnet and seeing if it sticks to your chest, arms or genitals. Sometimes the only thing holding us back is gravity. Defeat it and you, too, could travel the galaxy.


The last time I was in Cincinnati, a bum pulled a knife on me outside of a convenience store. I would have been the victim of a jacking if it weren’t for my reflexes. Just as the man lunged for my soft belly, I sidestepped him and struck him about the head and shoulders with a flurry of chops and open-handed slaps that left him dumbfounded. He dropped the knife and ran away, probably to cower in a field somewhere. Let this be a lesson to you, Gemini: don’t pull a knife on me. I’ll gladly teach you a lesson, as I did that bum in Cincinnati


Having been the victim of unfortunate circumstances, Nikolai Tesla faded into obscurity after death only to become a hero to electricity nerds world-wide in recent decades. As it turns out, this father of the alternating current, hydroelectric power, wireless communication, Bing, Leo Tolstoy and the NFL also invented the notion that even if you, too, are a genius and probably socially inept, you can die hopeless and penniless only to be remembered 100 years later by nerds everywhere. You’ve got that going for you, Cancer.



Last month, when the nation went out to vote collectively against their better interest, you were busy planning a vacation to Tahoe. As a successful hedge fund manager, your interest in politics is little, but you do turn your head every once in a while if something catches your eye. For instance, last week’s news that the small town of Truth or Consequences, Arizona, would be changing their name to Truth AND Consequences made you stifle a laughter. After all, who would want to go there now? Don’t make brash decisions when naming your child.


Long distance runners have a lot of issues that many people can’t or refuse to understand. Sore feet, bleeding nipples and chafed thighs are just surface injuries; their souls carry a heavy burden. Long distance runners run not for the sake of running, but because deep down they believe that they can outrun their past. The sad truth is that the past holds every running record known to man. Virgo, you’re never going to outrun the past. Like a lion hellbent on catching a gazelle, you’re bound to trip up and become nutrients for your deeds. It’s time to turn around and grab the past by the horns. You still aren’t even sure if he’s dead or alive, there’s no reason to dwell on it.



At a dive bar on Saturday night, a good friend of mine danced profanely to the sounds of a cover band as they played Pink Floyd, The Doors and Gordon Lightfoot. The room was packed, but he was the only one dancing. They say to dance as if no one is watching, but in reality, everyone is watching. Perhaps its time to put away the dancing shoes and take a seat near the wall; just because you’re having fun doesn’t mean everyone else has to see that.


You’re not the end all, be all of Christmas decorations. Though you were born to a half man, half glitter-based life form, your every brilliant hair just isn’t going to ring in the Christmas season every year. Some times people want to be left to their own devices, allowed to choose how to celebrate the holiday without being told to be “cheerful” or to “lighten up.” Step back and let the kid decorate his own tree without getting involved. Being too cheerful, Sagittarius, can be a real bummer sometimes.

See you when I see you.